华人博士黄西(Joe Wong)2010年在美国记者年会上的脱口秀表演.在线视频

之前小程曾推荐过一个华人博士黄西(Joe Wong)的视频(华人博士黄西(Joe Wong)被邀请上Late Show(大卫赖特曼秀)表演美国式相声.在线观看),最近又看了看他新的表演,还是挺扯的,但是有些笑点还是没怎么听出来,文化背景知道的少了,还有他那中式英语听着真有点头晕。本来我还看到过他脱口秀的英文原稿,结果后来找不到了,然后又只好先看了看视频,通过一小段的句子来找,结果又找到了,大家可以看看,后面还有个简单的注释。

视频是由别人翻译的,有些地方没对,不过还算好,听着也能听懂。最后我还找到并放了另外一个人翻译的稿子,看视频和原版稿子还没看明白的可以再看看。

Good evening everyone! My name is Joe Wong, but, to most people, I am know as "Who?" Which is actualy my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.

But, joking aside, I just want to reasure everybody that I am invited here tonight[注1]. I grew up in China, who wouldn’t? [注2] And my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in the elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I had to work in a rice paddy right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks, and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock. My dad is a grumpy guy, but, occasionally, he tried to cheer me up with jokes, but he didn’t do it right.When I was seven, he said to me one day:"Hey, son. Why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So, 5 minutes later I said:" Why?" He said: "because I said so!" I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas,(clapping, cheers) that wasn’t a joke (laughter) until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of pumper stickers that impossible to peel off, and one of them said "If you don’t speak English, go home!" And I didn’t notice it for two years. Like many immigrants, we want our son to be the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really tough to do, because many times, I had to say to him in public:"Hey, listen, if you don’t speak English, go home!" He would say to my:"Hey, dad? why do I have to learn two languages?" I said:" Son, once you become the president of the United States, you are going to sign legislature bills in English, and talk to the debt collectors in Chinese."When I graduated from Rice University, I decided to stay in the United States, because in China, I can’t do the thing I do best here—being an ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take American history lessons where they asked questions like:"Who is Benjamin Franklin?[注3]" we were like"ah, the reason our conveninent store gets robbed?" "what’s the second ammendment (of the Constitution)?[注4]" we were like "ah, the reason our conveninent store gets robbed?" "what is Roe vs. Wade?[注5]" we were like "ah, two ways coming to the Unites States?" Later on, I learned so much about American history that I started to habour white guilt. And in America, they said that all men are created equal. But, after birth, it is kind of depending on the parents’ income, their education and health care. I read in the "Men’s health" megazine that President Obama, everyweek, has two cardio days and four weight lifting days. You see, I don’t have to exercise, because I have health insurance. I live in Massachussette now, where we have universal health care,then we elected Scott Brown, talk about mixed messages[注6]. I think there is a movie about him, it is called "Kill Bill".

I am honored to meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight, I actually read your autobiography, and today I see you, I think the book is much better. They should guest cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.

To be hornest, I was really honored to be here tonight, I prepared for months for tonight’s show,and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is when he decided not to come, and he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that, Steven Colbert! [注7]

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t be more bad ass than that. Well, actually, I am thinking the only way to be more bad ass than that is if you take the Nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom might (be) considered my peers, because I used to write for the campus newspaper. I think journlism is the last refuge for pons, only on the newspaper can you say things like " I was born in the year of horse, that is why I am a naysayer." My point exactly.

And tonight is my first time to be on C-SPAN,which is a channel I obviously always watched when I couldn’t stand the sensisionalism and the demogogue of PBS and QVC.[注8] If I still could not fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there is C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. Thank you very much.

So, I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about, thank you very much. America #1, that’s true, ’cause we won the world series[注9] every year.After becoming a US citizen, I immediatly registered to vote for Obama and Biden, you are welcome. You had me at "Yes! We can!" That was their slogan.

So, after getting Obama and Bidon elected, I felt this power trip, and I started to think that maybe I should run for president myself. Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit because I have always been a moraless and pathemestic guy. I felt life is kind of like peeing in the snow in the dark winter night, you probably made a difference, but it is really hard to tell. But, now, we have a president, who is half white and half black, it just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black and half not white, two negatives make a positive.

You maybe saying:" Hey, what would be you campiane slogan?" You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade, oh, you too? Okey,So I understand that American people are suffering, so my campaine slogan would be:" HU(Who) cares". If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote.

You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:"Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!" And, I will eliminate unemployement in this country by reducing the productivity of American work force, so two people will have to do the work (of) one. Just like the president and the vice president, or the Olsen twins[注10]. And despite heart disease and cancer, most of American die of natually causes, so if elected, I will find a cure for natual causes.You seem to like that one. But, you won’t be covered by Health insurance though, because of pre-existing conditions. And I have a quick solution for global warming, I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees and now it is 40. You are very welcome. And I am great with foreign policies, because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.[ 注11]

I believe that unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialogue is too slow, so if elected, I will go with text messaging. I will text our allies just to say hi and text our enemies while they are driving:"OMG! you are building a nuclear weapon?" "But you are doing it wrong! LOL!"I just want to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ dinner to have me here tonight and this is the first time that I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and you have a very good night and thank you Elaine and Scott.

 

注释:
1。指不久前发生的夫妇两人无请柬混进白宫晚宴。
2。谐音:胡屯?
3。本杰明,弗兰克林,美国国父之一,他的头像印在百元美钞上,故又指百元美钞。
4。宪法第二修正案,规定公民有拥有枪支的自由。
5。Roe vs. Wade: 美高法的里程碑式的案例,认定了堕胎的合法性,在此指有人用中国的计划生育为由申请政治庇护。
6。Scott Brown: 顶替已故参议院爱德华。肯尼迪的麻省参议员,他反对全民医保。
7。Steven Colbert: 著名的喜剧演员,去年晚宴的表演嘉宾。
8。PBS 美政府赞助的公共电视节目,QVC电视购物频道。
9。The World series: 美职棒联盟季后赛,美职棒联盟除三只加拿大球队外均为美国球队.
10. 双胞胎,童星,在电视剧《Full House》里两人合演一个角色。
11.和党副总统候选人Sarah。 Palin曾说她对外交政策很有经验,因为作为阿拉斯加州长,她可以从后院看到俄国。

 

 

 

大家晚上好,我叫joe wong。

但是大多数人记得我为“谁?”(听不中文名字,老外会问谁?)

who(英文的“谁”,发音类似“胡”),实际上正是我妈妈的姓。也是我填在信用卡上担保人一项的内容。

除了笑话之外,我就是想让大家明确,我的确是被邀请了。(盧柯丞:被邀请了那个笑点是因为去年白宫宴会有一对夫妇没被邀请 两个人非常囧囧有神搅乱了整个宴会详见这里)

我在中国长大,谁(who)不是呢?(中国人多)我的童年记忆,完全被我的童年毁了。当我在小学的时候,我除了上课,还要在××工作,旁边就有药炸岩石的。我就是在那学到了,光比声音传播的快。声音几乎和飞过来的石头一样慢。

我爹是个脾气暴躁的人,他总想用笑话让我高兴起来,但是总讲不好。我七岁的一天,他跟我说,“嘿,儿子。为什么豆腐比中央集权的社会主义经济好?”我五分钟后说,“为什么?”他说因为它好吃!(sensual:令人销魂的肉欲的)

我来到美国的时候,二十四岁。在德州××大学学习。这不是笑话。直到现在成了笑话。

一路上颠颠簸簸,有许多都无法忘记。其中一个人说 “如果你不讲英语,回家吧!”头两年我都没有注意到。同其他的移民一样,我们希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。我们试图让他们双语化,在家讲中文,在公众场合讲英文。这个确实很难,因为许多时候,我不得不在公众场合跟他讲“嘿,听着,如果你不讲英语,回家吧!”

他总跟我说,“嘿,爸爸,为什么我要学两种语言?” 我说,“儿子,一旦你成了美国总统,你得用英语签署法令条文,然后和收税员讲中文。”(美许多金融、法律工作者为中国人)

我从××毕业之后,我决定留在美国,因为在中国我不能做在这里我做的最好的,一个不同政见者。

为了成为美国公民,我得修美国历史课。来回答如下的问题:谁是富兰克林总统?啊… 我们的便利店被抢劫原因呢?第二修正案……(张真源:那句他说的应该是the reason our convenience store gets robbed,后面问他whats the second amendment?(我查了,1791年通过的,是关于允许公民携带武器的),所以他说的答案还是刚才那个the reason our convenience store gets robbed,也就是说,我们的便利店被抢的两个原因,一是富兰克林(100大洋),二是被允许。)

什么是roe 对战 韦德? 我:啊,是两种到美国的方法吗?

之后我读了许多美国历史,我在哈弗学的,白人不去。在美国,他们说“哦,人生来平等”,但出生之后,基本上还是靠父母的收入,支付早期教育和健康医疗。我在××杂志上读到,奥巴马总统都有两天健身(没听懂),四天跑步。你看,我不需要锻炼,因为我有健康保险。我现在住在马塞诸塞州,我们有全民医保,我们更喜欢什么呆着,谈谈这些话里有话的废话。我记得有部关于这个的电影,叫杀死比尔(KILL BILL)

我很荣幸,今晚见到了副总统××××先生。实际上我读过您的传记,今天我见到您本人。我觉得您在书上好多了。你比布拉德皮特还帅,甚至比得上安吉丽娜朱莉。

我今晚真的很荣幸能在这,我为了这个秀准备了几个月。我给白宫看了我关于奥巴马的笑话,之后,他决定不来了。并且开始谈论移民政策改革。Steven cobear(?)受着吧。

奥巴马总统常被指责为过于软蛋。但是他指挥了两场战争,然后人们还是把诺贝尔和平奖给了他。他竟然接受了。你不可能比这还混蛋了。事实上,我觉得唯一比这个还混蛋的方法,就是收了诺贝尔和平奖奖金,转身把钱给军队。

今晚我们有很多出色的记者。我原把他们当成跟我一样的人。因为我曾经在学校报纸上写过文章。我认为新闻报道是突袭(?)的最后避难所。除了报纸,还有哪里能说“我生于马年,所以我是Nazi Ear(纳粹耳?),这就是我的观点”

今晚是我第一次看到c-span,这个是我一直看的电视频道,每当我受不了pbs和qvc的哗众取宠和煽情。如果看了c-span我还是睡不着的话,还有c-span 二套和三套。

非常感谢你们。

我在2008年成为了美国公民,对此我很高兴,非常感谢。美国人从来没有赢过,这是事实,因为我们每年都×××(recievery?)

在成为了美国公民后,我立刻注册给奥巴马投票。(回头看副总统)不客气。你很高兴说“是的,我们能”,这是你们的竞选口号。在奥巴马选上总统之后,我就对他有了权力。我开始想,也许我自己也应该精选总统。

关于这个我的退一步解释一下,你知道,我一直对上帝有一种郁闷的感觉。人生有点像在黑夜雪地里尿尿,你也许的确弄得不一样,可是人们很难看出来。

现在我们有了总统,一半是黑人,一半是白人,这给了我很多希望,因为一半不是黑人,一半不是白人。负负得正。

你也许会问“嘿,你的竞选口号是什么?”你看,我在上一个年代(decade),花了十年的时间,你们也是?ok,我知道美国民众也承受着苦难,所以,我的竞选口号是“谁关心?!”(第一次听成who can’t,张博洋:应该是who cares)

如果你们喜欢,我会让同性婚姻不仅合法,而且是强制的。你看,我现在已经结婚了,但我曾经很害怕结婚。我说,哇,50%的婚姻,到最终的持续到永远。(有句话说50%的婚姻最终都离婚了。)

我会通过降低美国工人的生产力,来降低失业率,所以两个人才能做一个人的工作,就像总统和副总统一样,或偶尔森(?)双胞胎。不讲艾滋病和癌症,大多数的美国人是因为自然原因而死亡的,所以如果我当选,我会为大家自然死亡的治疗费买单。(指台下)你似乎很喜欢这个。可是你不会被健康保险计划包涵,因为你之前的身体状况就不好。

对于全球变暖,我会把华氏度,改为摄氏度,“原来是 100多度,现在只有四十度了。”甭客气。

我能处理好国际关系,你看,我来自中国,我可以在后院看好俄国。我认为无关系主义代价太高,开门对话又太慢,如果我当选,我会以发短信的手段,跟其他国家对话。我会给同盟国发短信,就是打个招呼“嗨~”,给我们的敌人发短信,趁着他们开车的时候。“OMG(额滴神),你们在建设核武器?”“可是你们做错了,LOL(仰天长“笑”)!”

我要感谢××让我来,这是我第一次希望我儿子知道我在干嘛,谢谢,非常感谢。

评论

  1. 14年前
    2010-4-11 23:44:57

    我蛮喜欢脱口秀和演讲的。

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